okay so here's the first chapter of my story- hope you like :)
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Lots of teenage girls dream about vampires, more than anything else in the world. Being a vampire, dating a vampire, being friends with a vampire, or even knowing a vampire for that matter are all things that appeal to them. Most of them grow up wanting to marry Edward Cullen, the creepy brooding vampire from “Twilight”. I think I should start off by telling you, well, I’m not exactly like most girls my age.
For example, most little girls grow up pretending to be a princess and claiming Justin Bieber as their “FiancĂ©”. I grew up pretending to be Hermione Granger from “Harry Potter”, running around in a pathetic excuse for a cape, wanting to turn Lord Voldemort good and be “BFFs” with Draco Malfoy.
Yeah, Draco Malfoy.
But let’s not talk about me. Let’s not talk about the fact that I was born on October 31st, 1997, or the fact that my name is Kieyra Mary Lynn Gordon, and especially not the fact that I have an eight year old brother named Nathen, who loves to mock me every chance he can get. Let’s not talk about me, because a), this story is NOT about me, and b), this story is about a hole I found at a campground outside of Carleton Place, Ontario on September 4th, 2010.
It was the day before we were packing up to go home from the campground. I was there with my mom, Nathen, my mom’s boyfriend Dave, and Dave’s three daughters Sarah, Anna, and Katie. Dave had suggested a end-of-trip bonfire -which was followed by a groan from Sarah, who then said “I’m seventeen, camping’s stupid, bonfire’s are stupid” and stormed off into her tent- and asked me and Nathen to go look for twigs for kindling. “Kieyra, I’m scared.” Nathen had said, clinging to my arm. The sun was going down and the sky was glowing a brilliant amber. It would have been beautiful, except there was a fog in the forest so thick you could cut a hole in it. We heard a crow caw. Nathen screamed, clinging on to my arm tighter. “Let’s just go.” I had said, but Nathen shook his head. “Dave said he’d give me 25 cents for every stick I collected.” One thing about Nathen is that...well...he’s obsessed with having money. I’d say that’s a bad thing, for an 8 year old to love having money, but he’s a REALLY good saver. Unlike me, who spends her money the moment she gets it. We kept walking. The crow cawed again, circling above our heads. “Kieyra, I saw this on a TV show once. The guy never came back.” Nathen whimpered. “That’s not gonna happen.” I assured, but I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I had a really bad feeling. I saw a clearing in the fog, and we walked towards it. The crow circled around the clearing. There was no fog here, and no trees but the ones that made a border around this clearing.
Right in the middle was a hole.
The hole was probably three meters in diameter, but maybe a bit more. There was no way of telling how deep it was; after about three feet down it was just darkness. The crow landed on a tree branch, cawing at us. Nathen whimpered and ran back to the campsite. I walked closer to the mysterious hole. The crow came down and started pecking at my head. I tried to run away, but with my horrible luck, I fell right into the hole.
I know what you’re thinking. If I fell into a deep hole, how am I telling this to you? Am I a ghost? Sadly, no. If I was a ghost, this wouldn’t be The Hole. It would be a CBS series called Ghost Whisperer. And since that already exists, this is THE HOLE!
Anyways, I was falling for about five minutes before I fell on my side, crushing my right arm. Two ominous figures approached me. One had jet black hair and creepy snake-like green eyes, and the other was very pale, with blond hair and golden eyes. They both wore black cloaks, and old fashioned black shoes. “What should we do with her, Antoine?” the blonde one asked. “We should take her to Damien. Isn’t that what Felix said, Lukas? Or was it bring the outsiders to Ophelia...”Lukas rolled his eyes. “Just shut up and take the kid to Damien.”Lukas snapped. They picked me up (which hurt my arm A LOT!) And took me into a castle. We stopped and a young boy and girl approached us. The boy had dark brown hair and blue eyes, while the girl had very pale blond hair and brown eyes that looked sort of red. “Alec, watch the human girl. Ana, Ophelia requires your services.” Lukas instructed. The girl nodded and went through a deep red door, and the boy, Alec, brought me to a dungeon of some sort. “Ouch!” I screamed when he squeeze my wrist. “What is it?” he asked, releasing my right arm. “I think it’s broken. Like, a lot.” I replied. “When does it hurt?” he asked. “I don’t know, it hurts when it hurts!” I snapped. “Okay, okay.” he pushed me into a dungeon cell. “ I thought you were nice.” I said. “Just following orders.” he said apologetically. I crawled into the corner and started to cry when I heard a soft whimper from the other side of the cell. “Is someone there?” I asked. A girl who looked like she was a few years younger than me came out from the shadows. Her wispy light brown hair fell halfway down her back, and her sad blue eyes looked wearily at me. “Who are you?” I asked. “E-e-elena. Elena Smith.” she replied. “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ottawa, Ontario.”
“How did you get here, Elena?”
“I fell down a hole. Where I landed, the people were nice. They took care of me. But Damien came looking for me and locked me up here.”
“Who is Damien?”
“The ruler of this place, apparently. He basically runs this place with his minions Lukas, Antoine, Felix, Ana, Ophelia, and Alec. Alec is the nice one. He treats us well, but follows Damien’s orders because he’s scared of him.”Elena explained.
“Who’s ‘us’? Are there more people here?”
“Yeah, but not many. Most of them got killed. They’re looking for someone to fulfill some sort of prophecy.”
“What prophecy?”
“My Aunt Lisa told me about it once. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but all I know is that they need someone from the bloodline of the storyteller, the blood of a witch, the lapis lazuli gemstone, and the sacrifice of the vampire Petrova doppelganger.”
“Petrova? Where have I heard that name before?”
“Maybe you read one of my aunt’s books. There’s a TV show based on it.” Elena shrugged.
“Elena Smith.” I said to myself. “Wait- is your Aunt Lisa L.J. Smith?” Elena nodded. I started laughing. “What’s so funny?” she asked. “These guys have absolutely no clue, do they? They think it’s real! They think The Vampire Diaries is REAL!!!!!!!!!!!! They want Katerina Petrova, the vampire in the show. She’s a doppelganger, right?” I was still laughing. “But it IS real! Well, the part about Katherine is, anyways. You see, Aunt Lisa met this girl named Katerina Petrova once, who told her all about what happened to her in Bulgaria or something. She based a character in her book on her. She never meant for it to go this far, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when CW decided to make Aunt Lisa’s book into a TV show, they said a vampire from Renaissance Italy wouldn’t be that interesting. So they made her a young vampire from Bulgaria. So now Katherine’s character is more like real life Katherine, which puts my aunt in deep doo-doo.” I crawled up against the wall and accidentally banged my broken arm on the cement floor. I screamed in pain. “What’s wrong?” Elena asked. “My arm.” I moaned. “Here, let me help you.” she put her hands on my broken arm and it started glowing blue. “Am I hallucinating? Yeah, that’s it. I’m probably crazy.” Elena laughed. My arm didn’t hurt anymore. As she removed her hands, I twisted my arm from left to right, the sharp pains I had felt before gone. “What the-”
“I’m a healer.” Elena said.
“What?”
“A healer. When I came in through the hole, one of the villagers found me and took me to some sort of witchcraft power-giving ritual. I got the power of healing people.” I heard the creaky door to the dungeon slam. “What do you mean, there’s another doppelganger! The bloodline ended with Katerina, and we have her locked up in the Fallowfield tomb. There is no one else. If we kill Katerina, I die. If Katerina lives, we all die. There’s just no point in waiting anymore!” shouted a guy with a British accent. “Apparently not. This girl- she looks a lot like Katerina, except younger.” said Antoine. “Damien.” Elena whispered, hiding her face in her skirt. “Be quiet, child.” Damien snapped. “Now where is this Little Katerina?” He asked. “In with the child, sir.” The gate opened and a cold hand grabbed my arm and pulled me out to face Damien. He had jet black hair and crimson eyes, and his skin was paler than an albino kid. “Who are you, Little Katerina?” “K-K-Kieyra, Kieyra Gordon.” I stuttered. “I prefer ‘Little Katerina’.” he replied, stroking his chin. “Do you know why you’re here, Little Katerina?”
“N-N-No.” I quivered.
“Do you understand why I am referring to you as ‘Little Katerina’, Little Katerina?”
“Something about a Katerina Petrova.” I replied. Damien smiled and chuckled.
“Yes, Little Katerina, something about Katerina Petrova. You see, Katerina wouldn’t cooperate with us while we were trying to break the curse and fulfill the prophecy. She had a witch who made it so that if she died, her killer would die too. She could no longer be sacrificed. But you, my darling Little Katerina, would be perfect to fill her position. That is, if you are the true Petrova doppelganger.” Antoine cut my arm with his nails. Damien touched it and put my blood to his lips. “Yes, you’re definitely of the Petrova family, Little Katerina.” He said, a smile on his face. He bit his arm, piercing his skin, and shoved his bloody arm in my mouth, forcing me to either drown in his blood or drink it. Antoine laughed as I moaned.
The world turned black as I heard the sickening crack of my neck breaking.
I love your first paragraph! Very clear but really grabs my attention too!
ReplyDeleteDraco Malfoy!! My gracious! Great lead in though! You are really giving me background and context for the story in a very organized way!
Great intro to the notion of the hole! Really good logical flow here and very interesting too! I like the way you have introduced WHY you are where you are. You have made it very realistic with your mom etc. and the 17 year old throwing a snit. ;)
(In case you haven't figured it out....I am going paragraph by paragraph with my comments)
I LOVE the fog! What a perfect way to set a tone of mystery and foreboding! I feel like I am really there! I can feel the dampness, I can feel Nathen clinging to my arm and probably shivering. And then....The crow!!!! Cool way to introduce the crow and keep it going with the mood! The clearing and the circling crow really tell me something big is coming!
I love the way you separated out the sentence that tells us about the hole. It is a great way to grab the readers attention!
You deal with the problem of your telling the story when you have fallen into the hole really well! I love your tongue in cheek humour too!
I would like to know a little more about what the inside of the hole looks like once you land. Where did the figures come from? I would also like to hear more about how you get to the castle!
The girl in the dungeon is a really nice touch. I also like the way you demonstrate the confusion of the characters around what is real and what is not! It makes the whole thing very believable (in a fiction sort of way, of course!).
OOOHHHH!!! The way you explain Elena's healing power is great! I also love the back story! This Damien guy sounds really interesting! You have really given me a feel for what it must have been like for "little Katerina" as she was healed, then as she confronts Damien for the first time. Great touch with him tasting her to find out she is the Petrova blood line!!!
All in all....I LOVE IT!!!!!! You have really polished the mechanics of the story and it flows really really well!
Fantastic Job!!!! (even if you did come from a chinese food box).
I have to sign off now cuz Meg and Mitch are taking us out to dinner but I will try to check again when I get home. I REALLY hope there is more story up when I do!!!!!
Congratulations! Extremely well done!!
*dresses up like Elvis Presley* Thank you, thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteElvis, eh? Hmm.....that is a side of you I didn't know!
ReplyDelete